Random and Meaningful

Can I be random and meaningful at the same time? Let's find out.

I've been grasping, searching, feeling uncertain and confused. Ever since the let down of "31 days is over" and no more daily intensive writing projects and no more vision and clarity and purpose for my blog. I've been wondering what to write about. I've been getting more page views than ever before, more followers, more comments. Which is making me even more insecure about my content and wondering what people would like to read. I've been dabbling in other people's deals, like 5 Minute Friday and Tuesday's Unwrapped and Not Me Monday, hoping maybe that would bring structure and maybe jump start my creativity.

But I have felt like my writing and photography is a bit forced lately. It's not flowing with the freedom I would like. I've realized, as with other things in my life, that a blank page is sometimes best. More room to find out what's really on my mind. More room to uncover real meaning. Maybe I don't do so good with prompts.

You can't always plan a good sunset, but when you're there and it's brilliant, and you brought your camera, and the battery still has life -- it's a blessed moment.
We're missing the Christmas Lights Parade tonight -- kids are sleeping. So far, the advent calendar was a cool idea, but we've only hit one of three. The candles were fun for the boys to douse with water and practice blowing out. "Come light them again, mommy!" Not the atmosphere I had envisioned -- anyone for some candle-lit acapella Silent Night? -- but I bet they'll remember.
If you asked me why I blog, my answers wouldn't come as easily as they did a year ago. I seemed so carefree back then, so easy-going, so sure of myself. Now I'm tired. Don't have much time by myself. Don't have much time to write. Many of my initial reasons for blogging still hold true {creative release, document and share my life, connection, problem solving}. Absolutely. But it comes harder these days.

[insert rant about connection] It's so hard to feel connected when you're a stay-at-home-mom who only talks on the phone when it's absolutely necessary, texts three people, and can't seem to conjure up any communication on Facebook. [end of rant]
We all seriously miss this guy when he's gone all week. No, I haven't been out much.

The pastor talked about the nearness of Jesus in today's sermon -- that he's right there, with his arm around our shoulders, so close. Ready to come to our aid, ready to provide us with wisdom, patience, grace. If we'll just ask for it. He wants to breath through us, give us words to speak, change our body language and tone of voice. We're the temple, He indwells. I want to think about this all the time. I don't want to forget and fall back into a do-it-all-by-myself-cause-I'm-cool-that-way method of living. God with us. God inside us. I want that. When I'm too tired to do anything valuable, I want to think about Jesus. If only that came naturally to me.

We gave gifts in shoe boxes this year. Peter wanted to actually put the boxes onto the conveyor belt and watch the forklifts put them into the airplane. He wanted to deliver them to the needy children himself. Ya, me too. We do what we can -- we give money, food, coats -- but we don't often see the faces of the receivers. We don't get to see their grateful smiles. I read blog posts about people meeting their sponsored child in faraway countries, I read posts like this one full of amazing photographs, telling stories of God's love being told and change and progress and growth. I see and hear and I really want to take my little camera and go. I want to smell and touch and see for myself. I relate to "Doubting Thomas". I'm a five senses kinda gal. And for my blog? I want to tell their stories. It's a dream. I think about it a lot.

See? I told you this post would be random.
This guy draws mazes for himself now.

So. Where should my blog go from here? I love the way Kelle blogs -- but I don't live near the beach. Or have her amazing ability to capture all of life's small moments digitally. And I'm just not that crafty or energetic {seriously -- is it because she has girls??}. I love the way Hill blogs -- short, sweet, meaningful, always with a Bible verse and gifts -- and her photographs. Mmm. So nice. But it's her unique style, not mine. I enjoy reading Shaun Groves' writing, I always learn something from Ann, and I can stimulate my senses and get picture-inspired over with Carlotta. Each has their own special way of blogging, I love them all. But I'm searching to find my own way.

More photos? More words? More stories? More real life? Tell it like a memoir? Share advice? Ask for feedback? Just be random?

I'm itching to try this Pumpkin Cranberry Apple Pecan Bread and I really wish I knew what hairstyle looked best on me.

And I'll end with a quote that really made me think this week. Cause thinking is cool. I do a lot of it. ;)

"It’s a mistake to appraise the value of a created thing on the basis of my ability to appreciate it rather than God’s ability to use it." Shaun Groves in his post "Fan Mail"