Tears in the Carpet {or} Revisiting Motherstyles

Face down, pressed into cheap carpet, tears flow fast. Tears of disappointment. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of despair.

Crying over spilled milk. Over drops of honey all over the floor.

Vanishing hair dryer attachments. Kids with selective hearing. Impromptu picnics with marshmallow sandwiches. {You did what?!!}
Crying because motherhood has me in her tourniquet and won't let go. I just need a breath. I just need to see the joy in it somewhere.

But I'm burn, burn, burn, burnt out. {is that a song? hmmm}

God -- help me love those children with unconditional love, like You do. I cannot do it by myself. They aren't my favorite people at this point. Please give me renewed Agape love. The kind that doesn't go away when they make me face turn red.

Or when they make me cry.

It's emotions, it's lack of sleep, it's disconnection from spouse, it's a lot of things. I've been analyzing cause--->effect {just cause that's what I do} and trying desperately to problem solve. Cause life hasn't been super pretty around here.

Fix #1: Gotta get out and do stuff. Today's trip to the fair was a major fix. We need to live outside our house more. Maybe even do school outside.
Fix #2: Rework the schedule {again}. Cause mommy needs to.
Fix #3: Revisit personality and needs. And tell myself all over again to not be guilty or self-deprecating. God made me this way.
Fix #4: Institute nightly walks with husband dearest. Who better not be living in hotels in some other town for the rest of our marriage, cause I'm the Housewife in THIS town. We'll get it sorted out. I just need more talking than some wives.....{??}

Wanna revisit MotherStyles for a moment?  
Warning: This may potentially only interest other moms that have the same Myers-Briggs personality type as myself {INFJ}. I would have called myself an ISFJ two years ago {and did}, but with greater self-awareness and extreme life circumstances {they have names, they are four and two} I have realized that I now fit much more closely in the "N" category than the "S".

Crazy how the people in your life exacerbate {and change} one's personality, isn't it?

This book KNOWS me:
"Although she is drawn to people, the INFJ mother must remember that she needs time alone on a regular basis. Since her children are greatly affected by her mood swings, she is also giving to her children when she accommodates her Introversion. Time alone to meditate, journal, listen to music, and enjoy nature as well as intimate discussions with close friends can do wonders to bring peace to herself. For the INFJ especially, 'If Mom ain't okay, ain't nobody okay.'"
Enter prayer-walking, blogging, concerts, reading, and deep conversations with friends. I am GIVING TO MY CHILDREN when I do these things for myself. Take that, feelings of guilt. Please understand, oh everyone who doesn't understand. :)

And I wish I had read certain parts earlier:
"Giving too much. The INFJ mother may be prone to over-accommodation and self-sacrifice as a way to maintain family harmony. She struggles with the ramifications: a child who is too dependent and a mother who is depleted and resentful."
Yes, yes, and YES.

Fix #5: Harmony shmarmony. Well, not really -- I love me some harmony. But I gotta stop being the doormat. They will respect me more for it. Soooo much easier said than done.

I Need and It's OK: 
Alone Time
New Ideas, Adventures and Dreams
A Break From Other's Needs
Order and Completion

Have you read MotherStyles? Do you know what you need to maintain balance and energy?

It could make the difference in a lot of people's lives.

Admitting to tears and sadness in a profession that is supposed to bring nothing but joy.
Because I am {im}perfect.