Trying so hard
It is hard to explain exactly how the last ten weeks have gone. My last post in September ended with "We're diving in head first. This might hurt." Yeah. It has hurt. It has been hard to know just how much pain we can handle. Homeschooling is not for wimps!! And really truly, personality matters.
Me: pretty highly introverted, sensitive to noise and easily-overstimulated by conflict and clutter and toooooo much responsibility on my plate
Ezra: pretty highly extroverted, high energy/bounciness and easily distracted by his brother, who sometimes drives him crazy, not easily persuaded/motivated to do anything, also sensitive to conflict
Both of us have battled over these past few weeks. Battled with each other, battled with unmet needs. There have been a lot of tears. Some days I have really felt like I'm cracking and everything is draining out. I know he has too.
Please don't give me more battles to fight.
They both need other adults in their lives, telling them what to do. Adults who will encourage responsibility, keeping them accountable and honest. They need other people -- positive role models who they look up to -- confirming that what mom says is true. She's not cuckoo. They need friends to help motivate them to do things, academic and otherwise. They need recess, PE, and music. They need much more than I can provide.
And I need a little more peace and quiet.
So, the experiment is over. We're pulling out the khaki pants and uniform polo shirts, making sure they have the right school supplies and stocking the pantry with lunch items. It feels right, even if there is a part of me that can't ever quit something, no matter how bad it is. I want to be the mom they come home to with stories from their day, the mom who makes smoothies and homemade muffins. The mom who has saved a little extra patience and energy to dish out after school. I have put "PLAY TOGETHER" on my schedule between 3-4pm. We tried doing school at home together, but it wasn't good for us. Thankfully, we have a good school to go back to.
It helps me soooo much to take photos, to process my thoughts into a blog, to make a life collage, to remember all the good things when my emotions threaten to overtake me. Blogging is therapeutic. I'm guessing life will still get me down, but I need to remember to count the blessings and keep things in perspective. It'll all be okay.